Museletter #2 - The Importance of a Daily Creative Practice

July 25 2017

(Date of Original Museletter)

I want to share with you today about the importance of a daily creative practice.

Some of you know that I have been struggling with writing my story for three years now. There are two ways that I tend to look at it. Well, there are more ways than that, but I want to focus on the main two ways. One way is to see my project as a struggle. To focus on the idea that I am not writing more than I am writing. To focus on the fear, the sense of inadequacy, and the attachment I have to how the book will turn out, to how it will be received. Will I find a publisher? Will I be able to reach thousands or even millions of readers? How will I ever figure out to tell a story that I am still living? How will I survive revealing myself in such a raw way? What makes me think I have the right to share my story when so many others do not? These are the questions that the critic is ready to shove into the spaces created by self-doubt.

The other way I look at it, is this: to focus, instead, on the work. To trust the process, and have faith in the mystery of creativity and to just show up every day for myself in the practice.

Here is the bad news: there is no shortcut to the work. There is no special pill, coach, method or system that will make the work happen. There really is only one way to get something done, and there is no way around it. The work is the hard part. The work is the un-glamorous part. The work is the part where you have to excuse yourself from dinner parties and shut yourself in your room even when everyone else is going to the beach. The work is the part where you blindly believe in yourself, or what you are doing even if you have no idea where you are going or how you are going to get there. The work is about living in uncertainty and putting your focus on the task. The work is about showing up for yourself every day. Even if you show up for just 15 minutes. Even if you didn’t do anything good for that 15 minutes. Even if you don’t feel inspired. Even if you feel depressed or tired. Even if you hate your project that day. Even if your critic says you aren’t a real artist/writer/musician/fill in the blank. Even if you feel lost. Even if you’d suddenly, for some reason, after months of ignoring it, suddenly desperately want to tackle organizing your kitchen shelves.

Here is the good news: I give you permission to let your kitchen stay messy for 15 minutes longer. (Or in my case: 15 weeks longer).

I have a simple mantra that I use to help me remember how to return to work:

To get to work, get into the work.

This mantra heads us back into the process, the actual doing. I have found that even if I am resisting working on a project, the pressure is relieved when we let the work become a practice.

For example, last month, as I found myself having more free time, I felt this enormous pressure to return to writing my book, but I was terrified, and out of practice. I felt lost and daunted by the task. I decided to what I usually do: I committed to writing everyday for 15 minutes for the month of June, but at first that commitment still had a lot of pressure around it. I still waffled and wondered with all the questions. But then as I kept up my daily writing practice, I realized the exercise was more about getting me back into writing. It was a warm up exercise. It was an oiling the machine exercise. Sometimes I wrote 15 minutes of boring free associative writing. Sometimes I wrote a whole poem. Sometimes I wrote memories from my life to add to my book. Sometimes I made lists of essay ideas. Sometimes I wrote down all my fears. The point is that I had to just keep going, no matter how I felt. No matter what came out. I had taken the pressure off of how good it had to be, or even what I wrote about. All that mattered was that I did it. And after one month of practicing (nearly) every day (I missed 2 days of my practice, and I forgave myself and then just returned to the practice the next day), writing has become easier again. My thoughts are flowing. My ability to communicate (across the board) has increased. Instead of my true self being trapped inside a small box, which is how I often feel in the world. My true self is knocking at my door every morning, and can't wait to be let out. I actually look forward to writing now. And I often stay for longer than 15 minutes. Much longer. I am more compassionate. More awake to the necessity of my creative self. My book now feels possible, even if there is still so much uncertainty. I am learning to live with it, and write anyway.

Even if your main thing is not writing, I highly recommend a 15 minute writing practice as therapy, or as a way to connect with your creativity. Or, if writing really is not your thing, then I recommend committing to a 15 minute daily practice of doing anything creative, as a warm up, as a way to get you out of perfectionism and the endless reasons why you can’t create.

In other words, if you feel stuck with your creativity, with your paintings, your book, your songs, your dance, your films, your sculptures, then paint, write, sing, dance, video and sculpt your way back into your work. Do not attempt to think your way back in, as I can tell you, it doesn't work. Your mind will always come up with more reasons not to work.

I am so excited to share with you that this summer, in addition to writing my book, recording my songs, and organizing my house, I am developing my first online creativity course. Jumpstart Your Creativity in 30 Days, September 2017. The backbone of the course will be committing to a daily creative practice. There will also be downloadable meditations, creativity coaching exercises, art therapy & art journaling assignments. Additionally, there will be a Facebook community, email support, daily prompts, encouragement and feedback from me. I will also be offering my individual coaching services for additional support. I cannot wait to share it all with you, and to live out one of my missions: to help others make their art & be true to their creativity. Pricing & Details will be available soon.

What are your creative commitments and practices? What is holding you back?

Write me an email and share with me your story, your dreams, projects & struggles.

Love & Creativity,

Zoë

How To Paint A Mural

This summer, a man named Carlos Gutierrez decided to organize a mural project in the park across from the school in Pescadero and invited the Baja 100 Artists to participate. His mission is to bring Pescadero more vitality and attention to this little Mexican town, 15 minutes away from the much more famous Todos Santos. I immediately said yes with out knowing what I would do or how I would do it. Then I panicked. What would I do? How would I do it?

Elias Calles Kinder Mural Project 2014

I do have some previous experience with murals. The first was when I organized the students of the kinder in my town of Elias Calles (less than 100 people) to create a kinder-garden themed mural. Kids as plants, flowers and trees. I did that with out having ever put paint to a wall, in Spanish. It took us a whole school year to do it. It all started in 2014, when Hurricane Odile blew the roof off the outdoor classroom. I had already been volunteering art classes with the kids, and I decided it was time to get the mural project that I had been dreaming of off the ground. It took a category 4 hurricane to stir up my courage. I decided to create a bilingual public storytelling event, Mariposa Night, in Todos Santos, where people would share their stories of the storm, and we would also raise money to fix the school. We didn’t raise enough money to fix the roof, but we did raise enough money to paint the inside and outside of the bodega, which would became their new classroom. And thus my first mural project was born. The next year, I discovered it had been painted over in white. (For more about my experiences with my kinder art project, click here. )

Last year, for Día de Muertos in Todos Santos, I was invited to particpate in a group mural project headed by Miguel Ochoa (the owner of Hotel Casa Tota across the street) and Michael Cope (painter, gallerist & chef) - to paint the wall of the Cultural Center with a series of Calaveras (skulls). The basic design was given to me—all I had to do was decide on the colors and the details. I worked all day, it was exhausting but exhilarating. I had no idea when I started if I could pull it off, but I did.

But this new mural project was more daunting. I was to come up with my own design in my own section of wall. The overall theme of the project is the town of Pescadero, a small modest fishing town, but instead of going for the ocean theme, I decided to do the garden idea again, featuring only indigenous Baja plants. Ever since I moved here, I have fallen in love with drawing plants. I started the mural two weeks ago, and I will be finishing this weekend. I have been making many mistakes along the way, because my methodology of working is really no methodology. I like to dive in, improvise and learn by all the mistakes I make along the way. My style may not be the most efficient, but I like doing things that way. It makes me feel free and open. So I’ve decided to share with you the top 10 things I learned from this project and share some images of my process.

Here are my top 16 lessons, many of which I learned the hard way:

1. Start as early in the morning as possible to beat the sun, the heat and the onlookers.

2. Bring a snack and plenty of drinking water so you don’t have to have leave your spot when you get hungry and thirsty.

3. Bring a sunhat and sunglasses and if possible, a large umbrella for shade.

4. Bring plenty of water & a rag to rinse out your brushes.

5. You can do a mural with basic house paint in the colors red, blue, yellow, black and white - it’s so fun to mix your own colors!

6. Make sure you bring cups for mixing paints that are large enough to dip your larger brushes into.

7. Paint dries darker, so make sure you mix a color slightly lighter.

8. Be aware if you’re wearing sunglasses with a tint! Make sure you check your colors with sunglasses off! In my case, I was wearing sunglasses with a yellow tint (my personal favorite) All my colors looked better to me with through my sunglasses.

9. A black sharpie looks fantastic if you like to create black outlines, like I do. It’s much easier to manage than a thin paintbrush. Make sure you bring a few, as they get damaged with a bumpy wall.

10. If you do use a black sharpie, make sure you draw after you paint, otherwise you will have to draw twice.

11. Paint your background first! Otherwise you will have to painstakingly have to paint around every little detail. (Can you tell I learned this the hard way?)

12. Bring a pencil too - to sketch out the mural

13. The natural bumps of a wall add nice character to your lines, rather than going for perfect and straight. Let go of perfectionism!

14. Make sure you pick a subject that you love and if you don’t know how to paint something, don’t be afraid to copy from photographs or even other drawings.

15. Use actual living plants (or people or things) for inspiration, if you can, and if not, bring photos or drawings.

16. If painting intimidates you, remember painting a mural can just be like drawing on a wall and then filling in your lines with paint.

17. Don’t worry if you make a mistake. You can easily paint over anything and do it again!

Happy painting!

Why I Love Art Journaling & Self Love

I seem to feel compelled, over and over, to explain why I promote art journaling, why I love creative challenges and also, why self love is so damn important.

So here I go again:

Why Art Journaling?

Art Journaling (and personal blogging as the digital form of art journaling) has allowed me to move through many depressions in my life. Ever since I received my first journal at 7 years old, I have used my journal as a space for personal reflection, insight and expression. It's been a free and safe space to connect the dots of my creativity. The journal is a space to capture ideas and to play with the chaotic elements of the mind. The journal is a space to dream, observe, interact with life around us, as well as within us. 

How is art journaling different than any other journaling or arting?

Art Journaling always involves visuals and words. That’s the only thing that defines it, as far as I’m concerned. My form of art journaling is often focused on depth-work and making meaning, because that is my training and orientation. But art journaling can also be a companion for creative projects, which is also just as valuable. 

Some of us are more image-based and some of us are more word-based, but either way, the intention of art journaling is to weave the two halves of the brain, the two principles of the universe: the masculine and the feminine. The art journal holds space for both our linear and non-linear processes. It holds space for our emotions, fantasies & intuitive guidance as well as our story-telling, planning & problem-solving. It is both a space to capture our experience of life as it unfolds, to process the patterns of our past, and to channel what we want to manifest in our future. I believe it is opening up to our unique wholeness, and in particular, the integration of the masculine and feminine within, that brings us into our deepest potential and highest purpose. Art Journaling does just that. And the best part is it’s a low cost activity available to nearly everyone. 

Have I convinced you yet?

Okay, so why a month-long challenge?

I love time-based, daily, compassion-based (or internally-based) challenges because they work. They push us to reach beyond our normal limitations and comfort zones, but not from a place of external pressure, but rather from a place of inner organic expansion. The most inspiring, creative and productive times in my life were when I was in school or when I participated in creative challenges. Creative challenges have an awakening, reaffirming affect. They affirm who we are in our truest sense. And they affirm our connection to others. They grow community. And, they help us to create new habits that are more aligned with our higher selves. 

And what is Self Love?

Ah, this is a big one. And it’s a relatively new one, for me. 

Growing up, the message I had about self love was that it was embarrassing, shameful and should be hidden. I felt that I shouldn’t love myself and others shouldn’t love themselves. In this culture, we see so much narcissism that we get confused--we hope we aren’t narcissistic, or selfish, or have a big ego. We wouldn’t dare possibly share that we like or, god forbid, love ourselves. What if someone was offended or didn't agree that we were lovable?

Well I am on a mission to bring us into a much more expanded idea of what it means to wholly love ourselves with out sounding too much like a Self-Help guru from the 1980's.

What is self love? What is the difference between self love and narcissism, selfishness or egotism?

Self Love is about loving your wholeness. Loving all the parts. Including the ego, and its “petty” attachments and desires that allow it to keep going. It’s about loving the wounded parts, with their drive to heal, to become whole again. It’s about loving the heart, the natural healer we all possess, loving its feelings that radiate out—the joy, but also the grief. It’s about loving the body, with its flaws, its way of revealing the truths that the inside can no longer hold in. It’s about loving the world, too—our interaction with it. It's about loving our experience of the world—the vulnerability that comes just from being open and receptive.

Narcissism is not Self Love, in fact, it’s the opposite. Narcissism is loving only a fixed image of one of your selves. It is an unhealthy attachment to the frozen mask that covers a part of ourselves that is deeply wounded, so wounded that it cannot be loved. So in fact, ironically, Self Love is the cure for narcissism. The warmth of our love can melt even the most frozen, stuck, rejected places within.

Self Love is about The Self with a capital S. In Jungian terms, the Self is the organizing principle, the center that holds all conscious and unconscious experience. The Self is a microcosm of an individual that reflects the macrocosm of the universe. The Self holds all the smaller selves, or identities. And through this holding, we allow healing and transformation. The Self is the full potential of what is human, what is felt, imagined, thought about, seen, heard, sensed, tasted, touched, and also what is in shadow. The Self is wholeness. It is round, and with out end. Its center touches all centers. Its circumference has edges, but no end. Jung discovered the Self archetype is represented by a Mandala. A circle. 

To love The Self is to love all that you are, all that you experience. To unfreeze the parts of your heart that are afraid or ashamed. It means to actually feel into your heart. Bring its awareness to your life, to call on it when you are anxious or lonely. It means to practice non-judgmental awareness—within and around you. To know that all potential lives inside you and to judge it would be to cut yourself off from an aspect of life. 

Whether you participate in the art journal challenge, or not, I invite you to enter this new year, on this day of the full moon, to allow yourself to love yourself, all parts, voices and uncertainties. To make more and more space for what it is to be human. To let your heart heal you. 

With our self love in tact, we can change our outer world. I do not believe it’s possible to bring lasting change in the world until we fully can accept and love our inner world.

Let's love ourselves fully into 2018 so we can create a world flows from our own radical irrepressible self love.

As Always, Love & Creativity,

Zoë

La Guardia Airport Power Point Presentation

ZOELAB DAY 114

Original Date of Post: December 23, 2012

In honor of the holiday traveling that I am not doing, that many other people are doing, I wanted to share my first power point art series I made when I lived in New York, two months after Lucas and I started dating. He had gone to Baja to see his sister for a few weeks, and was returning to New York. We were in the early stages of falling in love, and I decided it was important to pick him up at the airport after his late night flight. I didn’t have a car, so I took a cab to La Guardia Airport. I got there early, and I had some time to kill so I walked around taking photos. About a month or so earlier, I had come into possession of my first digital camera. It wasn’t even mine, it was something I got to use because of my job at a children’s services agency as Publications Coordinator, in house publications designer, and Alumni Relations Coordinator. I needed to take photos at Alumni events, so they got me a digital camera, which I pretended was mine and brought with me everywhere. Until that camera, the only other cameras I had used were 35 mm SLRs, which I had been using since I was fifteen. (As a younger child I had used two cameras given as gifts from my parents--the Nikon Disc camera (remember those? the film looked like little View Master slides) and a Polaroid.) In 2003, having a digital camera changed completely the way I took photographs. I discovered and developed a new style almost instantly. 

As I waited for Lucas at La Guardia airport, I wandered around taking photos of things that caught my eye. Later, when I examined the images at work, a universal story emerged, personal only because of the context in which they were taken. I felt the photos had captured the contrast between the visual mundanity of airline travel and the internal feelings of excitement because of who you are traveling to see. For some reason, perhaps because I was at work, I decided the series needed to put together on power point, and hence my first power point art was created.

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Dia De Muertos, A Magical Day of Creativity & Community in Todos Santos

Thursday, November 2nd, A Day in Our Life

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7 AM - Wake up in panic. We need to put together a Dia de Muertos costume for Emilio’s costume contest and school

7:15 AM - Drinking coffee, because nothing happens until I drink my coffee

7:20 AM - Looking for and finding old face paint in my camper/studio that I haven’t used or cleaned in two years

7:25 AM - Looking through my collection of costumes, finding an old hat of mine, and fishing out Emilio’s hole-filled pants from the hamper

7:45 AM - Applying make up to Emilio’s Face feeling rushed, stressed and inadequate as mother

8:15 AM - Drop Emilio and his friends at school

9:30 AM - Look desperately through the mess in my house to find my painting pants, paint brushes (which I haven’t used in many years) and pallet

10:30 AM - Show up at the wall at the Cultural Center in Todos Santos, find my spot and start painting my skull

3:30 PM - Emilio comes to help me paint. I find out he won first prize at the costume contest at school

5:30 PM - Finish up my skull and go to Hotel Casa Tota to be fed and quenched. Sit with old and new friends and celebrate

7:00 PM - Head to the Town Plaza to see the beautiful ofrenda, Emilio, friends and other offerings

8:00 PM - JJ does a puppet show and dance party for los niños. All the kids get up on stage and dance with him

8:30 PM - I am unexpectedly invited to dance along with the Mojiganga giant puppet show that Emilio has been helping to paint on for weeks with Maria at Puente de Milagros

8:30 - Fretting I am wearing nothing but my dirty painting clothes, and therefore am not prepared to perform on stage, I go to get my face painted as a clown skull in two minutes by the lovely Zephyr at the Puente de Milagros booth

8:40 PM: I am suddenly on stage with Maria, Emilio, Ashta, a group of adorable children of all ages and from all places, and am helping to lead the children in an improvised dance that supports the energy of each Mojiganga— Earth, Fire, Wind & Water. JJ is playing bass, electronic beats and another woman is singing a haunting melody.  I am dancing and my body is aching from painting all day, but I still release the energy needed. We are joined by a team of drummers, including Kurtis & my mother in law Ruth

9:20 PM: Done with the performance, all of us exhausted, Lucas Emilio and I head to the ice-cream parlor for a treat

My first podcast and the question I most want to be asked

This morning I woke up feeling uninspired. I didn’t feel connected to my creative process or to any one else's. Thinking of today's Museletter, I asked myself: what can I share today?

I went on Twitter and saw a post that today is national women’s friendship day. Now I’m not a person who normally cares about national holidays, but I love to use a "national day" as a prompt, a jumping off point for ideas. Womens' friendship felt like a great theme, so I reached out on Facebook to ask my friends if anyone had something they wanted me to feature in the Museletter. I didn't get any bites, but then I just thought about all my creative and amazing friends and it was easy to think of inspiring things to share.

Then I remembered that my first podcast interview is going live tomorrow and that I could share that. And then a theme emerged, not just of my friends' creativity, which is something I often feature, but also the theme of interviewing organically emerged. I felt a driving sense of synchronicity as the ideas flowed.

I am an avid listener of Fresh Air with Terry Gross, and have always secretly dreamed of being interviewed myself. My wish came true last week, when I shared my story with Meg Kissack for her podcast, The Couragemakers. 

To continue with this theme of friendship and interviews, I’ve decided also, to interview myself. I think it's on theme, as I've also recently decided to be a good friend to myself. Over the years, I have used EFT, meditations, therapy, art, physical self care, asking for help all as methods to love myself back into healthy self esteem. Just as creativity and art-making is highly important to me, so is self-love. It’s one of those things that just slips out the door first when we feel threatened or insecure.

So with out further ado, here is my self-interview:


Q: What are some questions you are dying to be asked, Zoë?

A: I want you to ask me how I learned to sing.

Q: Okay, how did you learn how to sing?

A: Well it took me about thirty years or so. And of course, I’m still learning. As a kid, I was ashamed of my voice and my singing, but I dreamed of being up on stage singing my heart out. It was just understood that I was one of those people who "couldn’t sing." However, there was a part of me, the gritty, optimistic part of me, that just couldn’t accept that. And that part of me believed that I could learn how to sing.

So I asked everyone I ever met who could sing if they could teach me. I asked friends, I hired professional teachers and coaches and even a voice therapist. I bought courses, downloaded audio books, and attended weekend workshops.

Each person and experience taught me something valuable. But as time passed, I saw that as helpful as the warm ups and the techniques were, what I really needed was to accept my voice as it was so that I could free it to be what it could become.

Accepting my voice was about working through shame and discomfort. It was about tapping into beginner’s mind and being willing to practice. A lot. I learned that through practice, I could learn how to learn. Learning to sing is about really slowing down and listening deeply to your voice as you sing. It’s about listening to recordings and identifying what you want to change. It’s about using your creativity to find ways to work with your natural limitations. It’s about feeling enough self love to keep trying even when it can be so difficult.

Q: Did you ever have a "breakthrough"?

A: One day, a few years ago, as I practiced singing through a microphone I started to open up the back of my throat much wider than I normally do.I started to see how singing (and all art) is about a balance between freedom and control. And I realized in that moment that I had spent so much effort trying to not sound bad, that I had actually kept myself from really singing out. I had restricted my voice so much that it came out thin and uncertain. As I opened up the channel of my throat and mouth, I opened up my sound too. It was a revelation. And I finally got that I had been not singing more than I had been actually singing. Holding back rather than letting out. And suddenly singing became so enjoyable, so expressive, so satisfying. And I actually liked what I heard. It was my breakthrough.

Q: How do you feel about your singing now?

A: My singing will never be "perfect."  There will probably always be a part of me that will hear my voice as not “good enough.” But, then I remember that that isn’t my goal as a musician or as an artist. In fact, if I am honest about the whole trajectory of my art career, I would say the underlying theme has always been about embracing imperfection and revealing what's normally hidden. It's about my love of working with mistakes, revealing the process, expressing with a touch of rawness. It is my aesthetic and ethical preference to be more of an outsider artist. I find honest human expression to be the most beautiful thing in the world. And in that, I embrace my voice for what is now, for what it’s become. It represents a journey of thousands of hours of training, failures & experiments. It holds conflicting emotions, different aged and gendered selves. My voice is whole.

Q: What did you ultimately learn from this journey of developing your voice?

A: I believe that my soul choose this life for me and in this life I was meant to struggle with my voice, and learn everything I need to know from overcoming my struggles, and pursuing my dreams and callings. I believe I was meant to be a voice to inspire others to dream and live according to their own soul’s path.

Q: Well Zoë, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today. But maybe next week I will have more questions for you. Thank you.

A: No, really, thank you.

Interviewing yourself may seem strange or silly. But those of you who have taken Art Journal Lab with me or practice art therapy or art journaling, or who have signed up for my October Online Intensive will know that interviewing yourself, or parts of yourself is illuminating, fun & almost always surprising.

Love & Creativity,

Zoë

P.S. Are you interested in being interviewed? Here are two opportunities:

Written interview with me to be posted on my blog and conducted via email. Topics: creativity, spirituality, education, the arts, culture, psychology. Email me.

Be featured on a podcast! Submit for an interview with Introspectology.

A Letter from ZOELAB Headquarters

ZOELAB DAY 92

Date of Original Post: Saturday, December 1, 2012

 

Dear Reader:

Welcome to a new month of ZOELAB! (Please note that if you subscribe to the RSS feed, you have to resubscribe by clicking on the RSS button every month.)

I sincerely hope you have been having as much fun reading and looking at ZOELAB as I have had creating and sharing it. I have been working hard on it, harder and more consistently than I have ever worked on a single project. (But really this is not a single project, but more an amalgamation of many projects.) 92 days in a row, so far (give or take some days of falling behind and catching up). We have reached the first quarter of the year, and every day I feel more and more inspired. I feel like I climbing slowly into the creative flow that I always dreamed of, but never had the discipline to make happen. That is why I made myself accountable for posting for 365 days in a row--I knew instinctively that it was the way for me to become the artist/person I have always wanted to be.

I have many goals and dreams for the next three quarters of ZOELAB, including: to enhance the website experience (with theme pages and an about page), to complete and report on projects, to promote ZOELAB to increase readership, to find ways to create a more interactive experience (research how), to write a book proposal based on themes from ZOELAB, to create a manifesto, to submit ZOELAB content to other websites, blogs, and magazines.

Right now I have a very specific goal for ZOELAB. I would like to have a reader whom I have never met. I would be very excited to know that someone I don’t know is enjoying ZOELAB. If you are out there, please give me a sign (in the form of an email.) I would love to hear from you. 

Also, if you are a happy reader, please spread the word by emailing the link to people you know who might enjoy it.

For those of you who have written to me: thank you for your comments, encouragement, and stories. Hearing from you makes my day. I want you to know that I am not only doing this happiness project for me, but I am also doing it for you. My aim is not only to keep myself inspired and creative, it is also to entertain, inspire, connect and communicate with you. This is an act of love and of revolution. I am risking my ego, my anonymity and my normalcy to open my heart and make this virtual connection. This experience so far has expanded my enchantment with every day living. I truly hope, it is, in some way doing the same for you. Thank you for experiencing this with me. It means the world to me that you are out there. 

Heart out,
Zoë

what I learned from posting words and images (almost) every day for a year

I am sharing here, in honor of completing the 31 Day Art Journaling/Blogging Challenge, my second to last post from my first blog, ZOELAB 365, where I blogged every day for a year. This is the learning and meaning I made from that intense year, which catapulted me out of postpartum depression and into a highly-charged creative inner life that has informed me, and my professional work, ever since. 

THE WRITING PROCESS

I love to write. But writing is very taxing on the mind. I need to be alert, awake, I need to feel clear. I need few distractions. Also, writing takes time. No wonder writers always seem to be writing. Writing is the most time consuming art for me. Of course there are times when writing is quick—sometimes a poem just flows out of me, or sometimes I do free writing from the unconscious that is uneditable. But, for a lot of the writing I do on here—autobiography, essays, story-telling and even poetry has become a labor I work at and edit. 

Writing cannot be rushed. It takes as long as it takes. Feeling rushed is no good for writing. No good at all. Yet, structure is very good for writing. Therefore, I like to give myself regular periods to write. I like writing every day for about an hour, but not to let time determine when I am done with a particular piece. Having watched the emotional damage an unrealistic writing deadline did for Hannah in Season Two of Girls, I am convinced that kind of writing deadline is no good for no one. 

There is nothing good or bad about this discovery—it just is. But it does lead me to want to change the parameters of my next project. Writing every day is great. Publishing every day is a challenge I am not up for again, at least not this next go round. It is too taxing on my brain. 

Writing in the mornings is ideal. Writing in the afternoons with a cup of coffee is great too—but if I drink coffee in the afternoons then I can’t sleep at night, so therefore it is not ideal.

Insomniac writing can be very good for me--way healthier than lying bed with thoughts circling.

PROCESS

I like to have different stations already set-up around the house with pens, pencils, markers paper or notebooks, recording devices, books.

THE LONG VIEW

One of the lessons I have learned over and over this year is basically a cliché—when we hear something said the same way enough times we no longer pay attention, but here it is: nothing great is easy. It’s true. It just is. Going for our dreams, building a life that mirrors our values, living life that is less governed by practicality than it is fun, going for happiness—all of these sound great, but all require enormous amounts of sacrifice and hard work, which isn’t always fun. And time. Building a dream takes enormous amounts of time. It’s hard to be patient with long-term goals, but if you are like me and Lucas, and have a low income, you must make up for lack of funds with creativity, time spent and acceptance of a lower standard of polish--with the understanding that it is all in process. This is something I never understood before I moved to Baja, or even before I met Lucas. He reminds me over and over again when I start to become despondent about the state of our house or the vermin factor that we are working on it—it’s improving a little bit every day. Be patient. Take some time for relaxation or fun. It would be awfully hard for me to stay balanced if it weren’t for Lucas holding up the other side of life.

It’s all about priorities. Every day I make little and big choices based on these priorities sometimes I find myself doing something that does not align with one value, but it aligns with another, but in that moment—I must prioritize one value over another. And what I have discovered in motherhood—is that more and more often—I choose what’s good for me in the moment because I believe I am a better mother when I take care of my own needs first. This is not to say I neglect Emilio when he truly needs something. This is to say that I let him watch a video if I really need a break and he is particularly demanding of my attention. This is to say that I eat a snack before playing with him to avoid getting grumpy and hungry later. This is to say I go out dancing with my friends and risk being tired the next day so that I can release some energy and have fun and grown up time. 

AESTHETIC

I have honed my aesthetic which is fueled by different combinations of reality: dirt, simplicity, naiveté, freedom, and expression over perfection of skill. 

ORGANIZATION

Organization seems to be the bane of many creative people’s existence. I have come to believe disorganization is really an unwillingness to spend time organizing when that time can be used writing, thinking, reading, painting, lying on the couch, chatting with a friend, almost anything else seems more fun/valuable/less daunting. However, if I find a way to feel creative about organizing, and when I realize how useful it is for creativity, to be organized, organizing takes on a whole new meaning. The problem is organizing is quite time-consuming and overwhelming, it is best to take it one step at a time. Conquer one area of the house, or one aspect of my work at a time.

Being organized makes my creative time more efficient, fun and smooth. I think of creativity as a constantly flowing river that runs through us and through everything in the world. Our job is to continually work on letting that water flow, lest it become stagnant and disease-ridden mosquitoes hatch their eggs in it.

MEANING

I make meaning by paying attention and by making connection between things. I spin those connections into art.  

A YEAR

Is not nearly enough time to build something. Especially not a blog or a relationship or a business or anything at all. A lot can happen in a year, and yet, building something is a slow process. Especially if you are doing it all by yourself. But I have learned that I don’t want to build it all by myself. I am ready to have more collaborations/co-creations. 

I view creative collaborations as a game that two people agree to make up rules for as they go along.

PROCESS

As an artist, I have always been interested in revealing the process of art. Of artifice. As a way to burn through the ego and get to something more authentic, more spontaneous, more honest, more alive. I believe the truly revolutionary thing I am trying to do here is to study and reveal process. Process is our mess--it’s what happens on the way to what we show to the world. But I think process is what’s most interesting and valuable because it is how we learn, and how we learn is a big part of who we are. 

PERFORMANCE

One of the essential truths about me is that I am a performer. Now, I am not sure if a performer is the same thing as an extrovert, but certainly the two are related. However, I think the essential difference is that performance has around it an air of make-believe. Even if the performer is being him/herself to a certain degree, there is an assumed set of imaginary rules, an invisible (or sometimes visible) stage, frame or context that heightens what is being performed. A performer is creating, ideally, with a certain degree of spontaneity. Another aspect of performance that differentiates it from say, drawing, or writing, is physicality. The body. This is not to say that the body is not involved in drawing or writing, but usually not consciously--not for me anyway. The body is not usually a part of the creative process (except in the case of performance art, or artists who use their body as part of the work.) In performance—music, dance, acting—the body is the mode of communication in a more conscious way. I have really missed that. Performance is also about being seen. Making a more direct connection with the viewer. The viewer becomes the audience—it is more reciprocal. This kind of reciprocity is what I long for. There were moments of performance in zoelab 365, but it certainly was not the main focus, and the kind of blogging I did did not inspire performance. Performance is also a very vulnerable thing—the spontaneity lends itself to that kind of vulnerability which is both an attraction and a fear for me. I am not sure if I was fully ready to embark on that kind of journey—as putting myself out the public in the way that I have was already a new and risky thing. By now, after doing it every day (or nearly every day) I have gotten used to it.

HAPPINESS

What I learned is happiness is not a final destination, but a goal that is in the background of every choice I make. It is a pursuit. Perhaps satisfaction is really the state I am heading towards, and satisfaction is certainly not an outwardly-measured state. Satisfaction has everything to do with the meaning I make and the point of view I take.

PHOTOGRAPHY

When it comes to color, composition and style I have a very good eye as a photographer, however, I possess a certain laziness when it comes to technical skill. After being a photographer for twenty five years, I still basically don’t know how to use a flash, and therefore, almost never use one (except when shooting grass or trees or bugs—which looks awesome with a flash). The camera I use for most of my photos, except for my earlier work which was shot with a Nikon 35 mm film camera, is a Canon G12. It’s a great camera—but it is not at all a professional-level camera. It’s perfect for my everyday uses. I have mixed feelings about creating images that are “magazine style” – one of the key ingredients for this kind of imagery is using an SLR (single lens reflex) that creates short depth of field. This makes all photos look more professional, even when shot by an amateur. I have mixed feelings because an aspect, not only of my aesthetic, but of my art ethic is what as known in the music world as a “punk rock ethic,” or a “do it yourself” ethic. I have always been interested in exploring the high art/low art crossover, and the everyday ness of certain kind of art forms. I like the work to be accessible that gives people a feeling of “I can do that too!” And yet, at the same time, I do want my images to look as good as possible—I may be able to express even more creativity through having a camera that is that much sharper.  That being said,  one of my new goals is to explore using a higher quality camera--using Lucas’ 40D or even his new Mark 2 to get better, cleaner, sharper shots.

EVERY DAY

It was nearly impossible to recover/make up for a missed post. There were weeks where I tried for a while, but I’d get too behind, and then I had to put a little hole so that I could keep up with the current day I was blogging about. 

I love having something creative I do every day, but having to share it everyday created more drama in my life than I would like.

LONELINESS

I would say loneliness was a big part of why I decide to do this project. The interesting thing is my loneliness does not have a self pity feeling to it--I recognize that I could live a less lonely existence if I wanted, but I recognize some part of me needs loneliness. That perhaps loneliness is a an important part of my creative process. As is collaboration. This blog did not so much assuage my loneliness as much as clarify it. I think an artist needs both loneliness and connection. Again, it comes down to balance.

BALANCE

Perfection is the enemy of balance. Or rather, if the goal is to live a balanced life—accepting that no one thing is bad, as long is it is in balance with its opposite--then there is no room for perfection.

THOROUGHNESS

Sometimes it is my thoroughness, my desire to adhere to truth, my compulsion to do what I said I was going to do, that offers a certain kind of dizzy craziness. My oppressiveness in standards. It was the kind of effort that kept me up past midnight many times per week, or allowed me to let the house get filthy, or to let Emilio watch more videos than I think is good for him. It put a lot of my relationship with Lucas on hold, and made it so I had less time for other activities. It put me out of balance, as most of the work I did here was very Left Brain. I developed my mind and my work ethic more than anything, but I miss the more emotional, sensual parts of creative experience.

I cannot say exactly, but I estimate, that on average, it took 2.5 hours to make a post— after 350 days (I missed 15), that adds up to 875 hours of work, divided by 52 weeks, which is about seventeen hours a week. That is more time than I spend doing anything else other than sleeping—cleaning, cooking, exercising, working, reading, etc. It was a big commitment, but it was so worth it. Though I must be honest, I am so glad it’s about to be over.

Lower East Side Photo Essay

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Found on the bathroom wall at the Whole Foods

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Professional Sign Painter Dos Equis Ad

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School Mural

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Can you see the public art on this building?

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All the layers of NYC

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Rapper who sold me his CD

Last week I went to NYC for my 25th high school reunion. After several intense days of fun reconnecting with friends, I left my last day to walk around NYC with myself on "art date".  I didn't want to overplan my day. I wanted to keep a certain degree of spontaneity and discovery. I wanted to do a little shopping, and then take in a little culture-a museum, or some galleries. That is if I could find any with out the help of a smart phone.

I took the train to Prince Street, and after visiting some stores, I decided to walk East to see if I could find some interesting culture.

I walked downSuffolk street looking for galleries or shops. As I walked I found only one tiny gallery. It took a look inside, but it didn't inspire me, so I kept walking.

As I walked it occurred to me that I had never actually walked down that street before. It was a residential neighborhood, and what struck me most was how much it still looked like the NY I remembered from the 80's and 90's (I left new York in 2003). I had been hearing reports from people that NY had gone completely corporate, and no longer had any grit or a vibrant art scene. I had even experienced that myself. But as I walked through the lower east side--I saw more and more evidence of vibrant community.

I passed by a giant mural in front of a school, and I started to feel inspired, and I took out my camera and took pictures. I have such a big crush on sign painting. And then it started to occur to me very gradually as I walked. I don't need to go to a museum to see art. There's art here all over the streets.

I decided to let my intuition or guidance from higher self lead the way, and found my body naturally leaning towards certain streets as I walked. Sure enough I would turn the corner and find yet another giant mural. One after the other.

Eventually I walked north of Houston, and then up Saint Mark's Place towards the subway on Broadway. I took all of these photos along the way. Luckily, I had light on my side. That kind of crisp late afternoon sun that I associate with the fall in NYC.

As I headed up Saint Marks' I ran into this guy: a rapper. (I have to look up his name, which I have forgotten.) He asked me if I liked 90's hip hop as I passed him. He must have known from my age. "Yes," I said. "I do." He pitched his new CD to me, and I bought it for $10. Another example of good old fashioned marketing and public art.

I admit it: I do miss the 90's.

Latest Family Drawing

Emilio and I haven't been drawing much this year. He's been busier with school--now that he's in first grade. And I've been busy with work. But I so miss drawing with him. When we collaborate, he adds a certain quality I could never have--a boldness of shape, which is somehow simultaneously careful and carefree. My marks are usually repetitive and obsessive--which makes a nice contrast with Emilio's style. Usually Emilio makes the first quick marks--setting up the overall composition and then I will spend hours, sometimes spread over a few days, filling in all the spaces. This is the process in which we made last weekend's drawing.

Here it is:

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Five Weeks of Group Drawing at Baja Beans Market

For the past five weeks, I have been selling art supplies, promoting my creativity classes and events, and inviting people to draw with me at the Baja Beans Farmer's Market in Pescadero. My booth is a magnet for children and artists of all kinds. There are some people in the world who just can't resist color. I know, because I am one of them. Art supplies are more seductive than candy, and much better for you too!

In each 5 hour session, we create one 16 x 20 inch drawing on Bristol smooth paper. The only rule is that you cannot draw over someone else's drawing, but you are welcome to add and connect the various drawings. The goal is to fill up as much space as possible. As you can see, some are more finished than others. Usually the people who come to draw with me are children. But if an adult stops to buy art supplies or to learn about my offerings, I invite (or cajole) them to make their marks. This is the first lesson I can offer anyone who wants to open up to more of their creativity. Start from where you are. Here is a space for you to draw. Here are some markers, now make your marks!

As for our products, for now we are focusing mostly on drawing and journaling supplies. This is to promote my art journaling class and the idea of drawing in general. My hope is that travelers passing through Baja will feel inspired by the natural beauty, and start sketching in their journal or write about their travel experiences.

For the future, I have plans to create some homemade products, as well as offer a Lucy from Peanuts inspired advice booth.

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Working with the voices inside

Let's face it. It’s hard being an artist. There’s no one out there encouraging you. Telling you the importance of your work. There’s no one there to validate your soul urge that just won’t go away no matter how hard you to try to talk yourself out of it. The Self Police (one of my trio of inner critics) says things like: “You don’t need to put yourself out there.” “Your poetry is far too personal or abstract to mean anything to anyone else.” “It is so narcissistic to write about yourself.”

But lately, when I work on my songs, there’s a newer voice inside, my inner champion, that says: “I love this song! It’s powerful and raw and catchy. I like the way you play guitar. You’ve got rhythm.” And then the natural instinct of the ego is to respond to that encouragement with: “Oh my god! Maybe I really can be a rock star. Maybe people will love my music. Oh, no! How am I going to deal with that?”

Lately, I have been developing a new method of dealing with that ego inflation. There is yet another, wiser voice that knows how to do reality testing, which comes from somewhere in the middle. The middle place is much more vulnerable than the inflated or deflated ego. This new voice of wisdom says: “You have no idea how people will respond to your songs. Yes, it is fucking terrifying to not know. [Yes, my higher self curses.] To put yourself out there not knowing if people will judge you or not, or how they will judge you." It is the most vulnerable thing I can feel. Not knowing. It feels like having no skin. It feels like ripping out your ribcage and exposing your heart. It feels like burning. But, you know what? You don’t have a choice any more, because no matter how hard you try to run away from your messy, inconveniently emotional, unconventional self, you will always need to express who you are, you will continue to need to express all the thoughts and feelings and dreams inside. And without sharing it with others, the artworks become staid. It’s like becoming pregnant but then not giving birth after the 9 months. What happens to the baby that doesn’t see the light of day? It would become the stuff of nightmares. Artworks are gifts, and gifts are meant to be given (with no strings attached). If the gifts don’t circulate, then their value is lost. Giving the gifts increases their value.

This is what has helped to hear most from this more balanced voice of higher self, or middle self:

“If you can’t put your work out there for yourself, then do it for others. Do it for the other people who are even more afraid than you are to make art, and to share it with others. Do it for the voiceless, disenfranchised people who need to witness others' courageous acts of artistic heroism in order to be drawn out of their shells and spells of disempowerment.”

And so, if you are at the precipice of giving artistic birth, and you are trembling with fear, and you think “I cannot do this.” Remember, this is not just about you, this is about all of us. We all need the arts for the survival of the soul. For the evolution of human imagination.

Please share your comments below. I would love to have a conversation about what sharing your artwork feels like to you. Stories? Dreams? Feelings? Thoughts?

Jardin de Niño Diaries, Part Four

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We break for summer and I decide that when school starts again in August, I am going to start the mural project. This will require planning. This is not my strong point. I have never painted a mural before. Here's my idea: to paint a jardin de niños literally. I want the mural to be a garden of children who are half kids/half trees, cactus, flowers and plants. The wall had been painted again and so I already have a good background for the mural. The first plan is to trace the kids bodies in the form of the plant they want to be. I use a permanent marker. I write their names on each outline.

Then hurricane odile hits Baja. When we check out the school we see that the entire roof and one of the walls to the outside classroom is gone. There are papers and books and garbage everywhere. I look at the other wall. The paint is gone, and so is the permanent marker outline of the kids bodies. Not a big deal to re-do, but it is a bit shocking what wind can do. The building got a power wash.

The hurricane pulls the rug from under us. Everyone is in shock. We continue to live in fear of the next one. Or the rain. Any rain. Slowly the creatures come out of hiding and I want to reach through the isolation. I decide I am going to start hosting the first Mariposa Night. The theme is "Stories of the Storm." I start to ask people to share their stories. Again, reaching beyond my shyness into connection with others. It starts out a bit clumsy. I am unpracticed after being a holed up hermit all summer. I wonder if people are ready to come out of hiding. I want to draw them out. I want to draw myself out.

Lucas suggests I try to raise money for to rebuild the Elias Calles school. Then I think of Vanessa, the teacher—how she could share her story of the hurricane and her experience at the Elias Calles school.  She is shy too, and very young and inexperienced, but she knows it will help raise money.

On Mariposa Night Lucas picks her up on the way to Todos Santos. She is all dolled up, with makeup and her hair down. She looks beautiful and nervous when she arrives. We buy her a margarita that costs more than her weekly salary. Then I wonder if she is old enough to drink. I am nervous too. We tell our stories and Vanessa is last she shares her concern for her “pollitos” little chicks, expressing a deep affection for the kids and the community in Elias Calles. They have taken her in, even though she lives in La Paz. We raise 1800 pesos. About $130.

The money sits in a jar in our house for months. My classes start at Cuatro Vientos, and I don’t have time to even think about the mural. And then one day Vanessa asks me—maybe we can use the money to buy paint for the school? Of course. Why did I not think of that? I buy paint for the background, for the mural and for the classroom. The week before that Vanessa had asked the parents to come and clean the school yard. It had not been cleaned since the summer weeds grew, turned to grass, nor since the hurricane.

I arrive with Emilio and Lucas. Vanessa is there with her husband and infant son. A few other parents are there. I walk over with Emilio. I bring garbage bags to pick up the garbage that is scattered all over the school yard. The men are carting large amounts of cement rubble and dried weeds by wheelbarrow to a dump pile in the open field behind the school. We sweep, we throw away all the destroyed books. After a few hours of working in the twilight, the yard starts to look decent again.

The next week Vanessa informs the other parents that we will be painting and some of them show up that day. I have bought yellow for the inside of the school. The room is quite narrow, but big enough for this group of 4-10 kids (at any time the amount changes.) It was built to be the bodega of the school but the kids have been using it for their classroom. We paint the outside wall: blue for sky,  green for grass, and brown for earth. The mural will be added in parts over the following weeks.

The following week week I ask the kids to choose if they will paint a flower, cactus or tree. Then I ask them to form the shape of their plant with their body, and I trace an outline in the wall in pencil.

What I have learned from my involvement with the school is how to be flexible. I often don’t know what’s going on, and I have little understanding during the meetings. Vanessa cancels class last minute  when her baby is sick or she has some teacher related meeting she has to attend for her training. I have learned to absorb patience and humor when all else seems out of my hands. One time Vanessa forgot the key to school in her home in La Paz and the kids had to climb through the window for the entire week.

To be continued...

The spirit of Anaïs Nin lives through me

Okay, I know that's a big claim, which is not even possible given the fact that I was three when she died at the age of 70. But, every time I read her diaries or transcriptions of her talks, I feel like her words are flowing out of my own mind and heart.

Here are some of my favorite excerpts from her not very well known (not as well as it should be known) book A Woman Speaks: The Lectures, Seminars and Interviews of Anaïs Nin from 1975.

"Woman has been driven the other way—not to compete and not to win because winning would mean that she was stronger than her children or stronger than her brothers. And often she doesn’t want to overshadow or outdistance her husband—or she doesn’t want to overshadow her boss.

There is always that feeling which keeps her from growing. The feeling that if she grows she is going to impede someone else’ growth and that her concern should be not to take too much space and not expand… So woman carries many, many burdens. One is this going backward instead of forward into self-expansion and also erroneously considering this self-expansion to be aggressiveness. This word has always been used to discourage and disparage women who had a thrust toward growing.

It is made very clear to woman that her first and primary duty is to her personal life—whether it be to the husband, or children, or family, or parents. That is the primary thing. This is supposed to be her role in life. Now if a woman has really accepted that, then if she transgresses she has more guilt than man. …. Yet woman gains something from this great emphasis on the personal life. She gains a very great humanism, which is the consideration of human beings as persons. Man. Woman never lost sight of that personal life, and now something which started as a handicap, today I consider a quality which woman can then carry into her wider interests. But she has to retain this sense of the personal, because from that comes her sense of humanity.

The women who transgressed and managed to overcome these taboos were not really exceptional women at all. They were stubborn. And I can testify to that because I too started with all the handicaps, incapabilities, and helplessness. I was not trying to earn my living, I was afraid of the world, I didn’t talk when I was twenty. I taught myself (I know you won’t believe that): I taught myself to talk by the actual act of writing. I learned to communicate with others, and it was the fact of the diaries coming out which made me able to communicate with you.

…. So I find these lives inspiring, and they’ve always led me on and on to what I can call stubborn sense of adventure against difficulties, to consider difficulties only as a challenge to your wits and to your strength. What I am trying to say is that we are not exceptional in our beginnings, we are only exceptional in our stubbornness, in this thrust towards growth which is almost a natural state. There are obstacles, but our intelligence and our awareness enable us to recognize and confront them.

I’m talking about liberation in inner terms. I’m not talking about this freedom that you can get by going out and challenging the abortion laws. I’m not talking about the things that you can do to protest wars. I’m talking about the necessity for inner change, the necessity of considering that sometimes the obstacle is not necessarily the man but an obstacle in ourselves created by the childhood, sometimes an obstacle created by the family, sometimes by our own lack of faith in ourselves."

 

Learning to make art is about tuning ourselves to the divine

My therapist once asked me:

"how does the creative spirit work? can you draw a picture of that?"

Above is what I drew, and below is what I wrote a few days later.

We just need to hone and sharpen the instrument through lots and lots of practice, and then get the fuck out of the way. Let the creative spirit pass through. Work in service of the spirit. Have faith that you will be rewarded with its gifts in time, but not according to a pre-designed plan. Enjoy every moment of the service, the labor. Put your full self in. Include the shit. Become a scientist in your devotion to your learning. And also a beginner. Be smart and aware. Don’t take anything for granted.  Let everything count. Take notes. Share what you are doing. And then  keep going. The moment you stop to think about 'the others' is the moment ego comes in and ruins everything. You start projecting yourself into the future, forgetting that the only clue to the future is in the present moment. So get back to work and look inward. Record everything. Ask the hard questions. Don’t rush to answer them. Then get back to work again. If there’s a block, look for another place of flow. Don’t stop, unless you are resting and taking silence or playing or being with others. Don’t stop because the wrong voice inside told you to. Never stop because of that. Stop only because you’ve had enough for the moment. Because you need a break. Have faith  that the creative spirit is always there, inside & outside of you, at anytime. All you need is to drop into the senses. Drop into receptivity. Drop into presence. And you will find all you need. There is never a wrong time to start, or a wrong reason. Just start. If you don’t know what you are doing, fake it. Smile and look in the mirror. Open up the last work you did. Take a walk. Write your future self’s resume and then give yourself the job right now. Don’t think you’re too good or not good enough because whatever you are at this very moment is all you need. Let go of fitting-in and dance in your living room, or look at clouds. This is the best advice you’ll ever get, so you should take it now, take it in slow like it’s the last of your life, and you will remember what you need to remember.

Imagine, for a moment, you believe, to your very core, that who you are, right now, does not need to be improved upon, tweaked, fixed or changed in any way, that you already have and are everything you need.

What would your life be like?

Okay, go ahead and live that life. Fake it till you make it.

A List of Inspiring Documentaries

Last year I joined a new web platform about the nature of work in our evolving culture called Somewhere that combines what is best about Facebook and Linked In, and leaves out what is worst. What's nice is they offer what they call Provocations or Sparks that ask interesting questions about how you work. Today's question was: "What are some documentaries that have inspired you?". I was excited to share my list, because this is a list I am always working on. In fact, all I ever watch is inspiring documentaries, or Girls, or the new show I just happily discovered: Inside Amy Schumer based on the non-apologetic, raucous and sex-oriented comedy of Amy Schumer.

Each of these films was very inspiring to me in a specific way. They opened my eyes to fresh ideas, awakened my own artistic voice, or showed me a fresh spiritual perspective.

Here is my list of my Inspiring Documentaries:

ABOUT ART

1. Marina Abromovich: The Artist is Present by Matthew Akers & Jeff Dupre
2. Born into Brothels by Zana Briski & Ross Kauffman

3. Mistaken For Strangers by Tom Berninger

4. AiWeiWei: Never Sorry by Alison Klayman

5. Stories We Tell by Sarah Polley

6. Searching For Sugarman by Malik Bendjelloul

7. Rize by David LaChapelle

ABOUT EVOLUTIONARY CONSCIOUSNESS

1. Connected, An Autobiography about Love, Death & Technology by Tiffany Shlain

2. What the Bleep Do We Know? by William Arntz, Besty Chasse, & Mark Vicente

What documentaries have inspired you?

How to Sing or Do Anything

Way back when I was in college in the 1990's, I wrote a poem called "How to Masturbate." It was a racy title for a spiritual type of experience in nature. That started a new form of poetry for me, that I like to call "Instructive Poetry." Since then I have written a few more. I hope to someday publish a book of instructive poems.

Here's one I wrote recently about my experience of training myself to sing. The more I learn about my journey of creativity and art, the more I see that art is a process of training ourselves to be free.

The art above is an ink drawing/painting I made last week with Emilio, my five year old.

HOW TO SING or do anything

Give up all hope, all memory.
Give up all strivings for greatness.
And find yourself
here.
Empty of that great illusion
that splits every body, action and thought into
two.

And from here,
this spaciousness,
deliver the sound
that already exists in the future. Go to meet it with
your devotion
your heartache
your infinitely unique vibrations.

Open up that channel
of body
and mind
and spirit.

and let the light shine through to all darknesses.
Straighten and flex your spine.
there are endless secrets
duplicating in there.

Release them through your heart and hands and voice.

Let them reach who they need to reach.
Paying no mind.
If the vibrations reach someone,
you will know at some future date.

Impressions of Mariposa Night & Guerrilla Gallery, March 27th

Last Friday something magical happened on a warm stage under moonlight. It was a certain something that cannot be re-created. 

But I will try, anyway.

There was a voice: a mother-tongue, Peruvian Español, rich and shadowy, evoking bittersweet one-sided self-destructive love. As words, in English, glowed white against black, beside her. An electric guitar echoing the amplified pain of longing. And another voice—emotional and raw, expressing the freedom of rock-n-roll bravado, held by the sounds of rowdy guitar and happy drums, fierce & crisp. And another voice—embodying heart and soul, awakening god in us with her sumptuous spirit-song to the warm sound of a bass walking into notes. And there were those  who seized the sticks—drumming up new sounds behind the recorded music—allowing the insides to be heard. And the one who dared to sing into the microphone—discovering the good glory mirror of amplified voice.

And then there were the faces of the children glowing on the screen. Impressions of their growing spirit, told in voice, and as paint on a wall, of a school, struggling to exist. And children also ran through the space, creating shadows of monsters and gestures over the green glowing mariposa of the night.

And then there were those who made their marks on the shared page—children and adults—inking the white with fresh love thoughts and faces and choices in color.

And there were the paintings made of palettes of silk—colors and worlds invented. And there were the paintings of color play from a family living life as art. There was the one who brought her object-friends, creations from the found world. Who was also the one who almost didn’t share her art story made of reimagined truth. The book that strung together a life of meaning and heartbreak and love. Bravely, she leapt into the unknown—baring her heart with hopes to be witnessed. She leapt and found the floor growing underfoot in the form of beautiful faces and tears of recognition. Awakening the longing we all feel through the telling of a truth story. And old friends were created—recognizing themselves in new faces. A film made in La Cuidad, traveled by internet, flickered on screen: a story of the insanity of commitment when fueled by elevated spirit. And in the end, the contagion of dance took over the steps & the floor & the stage--hearts and bodies expanded in mental abandon & perfect unison.

All of this helps me see:

When you open up to spirit, creativity is limitless. In order to manifest it, we must ignite our passion for truth, which illuminates our underground excavations. We don’t mind the digging, if we are in service of the gift giving. It’s god’s work, we happily discover, as we leap into darkness. We use our faith as a catch-all. A trampoline big enough for us all to bounce together. Every individual leap grows the collective heart. And this, like creativity, is limitless. Art grows the heart, and the heart creates art.

And this:

What if it were really true?

That we have a choice, after all, in our fate?

That we could choose how big we become. And how much we let our hearts sing. On one side of the split it can feel so hopeless.  When we are grabbing at air in the dark and all we feel is the impossibility of becoming. But then, leaping across the split—connecting at the center—we are slapped suddenly with seeing that we never did stop being who we are really are, not even for a moment. Timelessness, as art, belongs to all of us, and can be felt the moment we stop grasping at the future as if it were a thing.  As if we were a thing.  We are a process and only in timelessness can we see this. This is where the heart lives.  All we have is what we need.  And all we need is what we have.

The arts remind us of this as many times as we let our gifts be given and received.

Through sharing art, the marriage of object and source of our longing, is consummated. Let us witness each other in our collective soul creation. Letting hearts speak and be witnessed with words and worlds that are yet to be created.

Come Forward with Your Art

Come forward with your art,
come share the truth of  your decay,
your ultimate humility.

come forward with your art,
with your seed gifts
    which sacrifice ego
and amplify soul.
The only real sin is
    being un-whole. Unholy.

Fragmented-like
a bird
  flying
with out a wing.

Come forward with your art,
I will bless you
  with bubbles
and manifest your heart
 into its proper dimension.

Come forward with your art,
     and feel how big you can be.
Just how much space
a soul is
when laid out
   against the world.

Come forward, my love,
with your art,
   and experience
 the rebirth of time.

Come forward with your art,
and you will learn
  (from scratch)
how to
     become one.

It is the mind that disappears
   when we awaken to our thousand
         mysterious destinies.

Come forward with your art,
           and you will look your most secret
most dangerous
   fear
 in the face
and feel your unfathomable
                                     darkness grow
into veins
     of gold.
Extending you outwards,
   tree branches
     fed by the ground and the sky.

And here, as golden tree,
   your rootedness meets its celestial mirror.

   And oneness is felt
as one tiny speck
 in the center of it all.

This speck—-
    this is your he(art).

I will meet you there.
                                

Why we need the arts

I believe in the arts because the arts have continued to give me a safe outlet to become my whole self. The arts have helped me heal and learn and grow and transform. The arts offer a safe space in which to be human—within a certain context. The context changes--whether it is a stage or a screen or the frame of a photograph, a piece of paper or canvas, or whether it is a time boundary as in performance—the length of a song or a set or the length of a story or a play. The context determines the parameters of being. We show up and we become—we reclaim the parts of ourselves that were hidden. We reveal our truths. We expand who we are through awareness and being and expression.

This work is lonely a lot of the time. There is little recognition, money, encouragement, understanding, interest from others. It is hard to hold the value of something that can so easily disappear. We all judge the arts from a place of wounding at times. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t carry some sort of art wound. Someone somewhere told you that you weren’t good enough or that you couldn’t do something that you wanted to try or that you weren’t talented enough, or that you weren’t old enough or young enough, some one told you that you weren’t strong enough, educated enough, experienced enough. Someone told you that you weren’t loud enough or quiet enough or big enough or skinny enough. Some one told you that you didn’t know what you were doing, or that you knew too much. Someone told you that you didn’t know how to stay in control. Someone told you that you didn’t look right or sound right. Someone told you that you are boring or stupid or goofy or they just didn’t get you.

How many of us don’t feel understood? How many of us hide and don’t share how we really feel? How many of us criticize and judge as a way to keep distance between us? How many of us need healing? How many of us stopped singing or dancing or drawing or playing when we went to primary school? Or middle school? Or high school? Or when we became an adult? Or when we had children? How many of us judge ourselves for being too weak, too emotional, not creative enough, not talented enough, not natural enough? How many of us judge each other for exposing ourselves? For being ourselves?

How many of us long for a greater expression of who we are? How many of us long to find compassion, self-love and acceptance? How many of us long to be seen and understood? How many of us feel like we are waiting for some future moment when we can finally be ourselves? How many of us want to reach out to others but we are afraid? How many of us reach for entertainment, drugs, alcohol or other soothers to numb out the pain of being human? How many of us feel alone in our pain? How many of us pretend we are okay when we really aren’t? How many of us long to feel more connected, more part of a community? How many of us wish to feel more alive? How many of us long to feel more authentic? How many of us long to be more creative? How many of us long to live a more meaningful and connected life?

This is why I do what I do: to help people wake up to the full truth of who they are. I use the arts—filmmaking, dance, photography, drawing, painting, writing, storytelling, drama, improvisation—as a tool for self-awakening, for compassion, for discovering one's passions, for reaching one’s potential, for truthful emotional expression, for aliveness. The arts are here for us so we can feel our aliveness. They are not just for showing off (though sometimes they can be) or for getting attention (though sometimes they can be). The arts are a mirror of the human spirit. The arts are a path of human connection. The arts make us whole. The arts show us who we are. The arts help us create meaning. The arts inspire us to both embrace and rise above the human condition. The arts help us to understand each other. The arts help us to speak and express our truth. The arts hold our emotions. The arts help us know who we are. The arts grow our imagination, our compassion, our passion, our presence, our creativity, our intuition, our integration.

The arts help us be who we are.