The last few days Emilio and I have been spending a lot of alone time together. I have taken it is an opportunity to improve the quality of my attention.
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I find it freeing to let go of the protective grip of the ego that wants to uphold an idealized and restricted view of ourselves, and accept that we all fail as humans. We all make messes. We all feel rejected sometimes.
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Time is has become my enemy. But also my teacher.
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The problem with being ambitious, is forgetting that non doing and doing just for fun are also important. For every truth, its opposite is also true. I have been too focused on trying to accomplish things which brings out the “taskmaster” in me.
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I’ve been thinking a happiness project is a lifelong pursuit, an orientation, a process, but it’s never a fully-realized place. It’s not perfection. It’s not a permanent state.
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I have always been contradictory and ambivalent about cleanliness. I can’t seem to get to the bottom of this—but I keep trying. Am I clean person trapped in the body of a messy person? Or a messy person trapped in the body of a clean person?
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The impetus to do this project came a month ago while I was riding the Peter Pan bus from the Berkshires to New York City. I had just had a visit with my family, and my brother had lent me his copy of The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (which I’m not planning on returning to him).
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